The 2008 VMAs: Give It Up, MTV

Last night, I sat down to watch the 25th annual MTV Video Music Awards, assuming that it couldn't be as disastrous as it was last year. I mean, a healthier-looking Britney was supposed to appear to do something, and the concept wasn't terrible.

By 11:18, I realized something. The VMAs are officially DEAD.

To be fair, nothing could've been as terrible as last year, with the weird hotel performances and the career-killing Britney performance and the overall crapiness. But this year was one thing that the VMAs never really were: dull.

Britney Spears' big return was a big farce. All she did was film a little skit with Jonah Hill from Superbad fame and then actually open the show. Um, what? Where's Britney? This is the same girl who stripped off a suit into a near-nude outfit, wore a snake as a accessory, and made out with the Queen of Pop, and this is all they could come up for her?

Unlike her humiliation last year, Britney was completely lucid, and robotic. Apparently, Britney has to be high to be interesting. Either way, she won big tonight, taking home her first awards ever, including Video of the Year. It's kinda sad that she won for a sucky video, when she was nominated before for good ones like "Oops! I Did It Again".

Despite what 3/4 of America thinks, Russell Brand actually wasn't terrible. In fact, he had some good moments, with some of the political jokes. He also delivered some extremely awkward and cringeworthy moments, such as his Jonas Brothers promise ring jokes. I thouqght a few of them were funny, the glaring exception being the genital joke,but apparently Russell Brand's sex humor didn't ring true with the guests, one in particular. Jordin Sparks took the host head-on with a comment that may be construed as either bratty or brilliant: "It's not bad to wear promise rings, because not everyone, guy or girl, wants to be sluts".

I thought it was bratty.

No offense to the American Idol star (albeit one of the least successful ones), but this is the VMAs. Sure, the JB jokes weren't very tasteful, but the VMAs were never about taste. It was about crazy antics and sex and stuff like that. The first huge moment of the show was Madonna rolling around on the floor in a wedding dress, for heaven's sake. If jokes about sex are so uncomfortable for you, then you are attending the wrong show.

The same can be said for the rest of the crowd. Never before have I seen such a dead, uninteresting crowd of people. Apparently, the VMA audience was filled with conservative, Jonas-loving people. Wrong crowd.

The performances were a bit better. Lil' Wayne did a three part performance featuring T-Pain and surprise guest Leona Lewis (do I see a collaboration coming up?) and it was actually pretty good. I could've lived if he pulled pants up enough so it wasn't hanging off his butt, but what can you do? He did good. Pink performed her new song "So What", which was the best of the night. I liked all of the pyro stuff, and she looked and sounded fantastic. Only one other person looked better: Christina Aguilera. She looked hot (and like Lady GaGa), really hot, but for some reason, she decided to lipsync, something more expected of her counterpart. Maybe she was trying to prove that she can lipsync and perform better than Britney. She succeeded.

The show's biggest talking talking point, the Jonas Brothers, performed their new single "Love Bug", on the same stoop from Sesame Street. It probably would've been better if we had a cameo from Oscar in his garbage can (symbolism, anyone?). The song soon broke into the "rock" ending, where they performed on a traditional stage with a bunch for screaming crazies fans. Again, they showed how badly the suck as singers, with their whining and screeching. Still, apparently everyone's head is shoved up their you-know-what, so I guess it was a success. Rihanna looked great, but also suffered from some vocal issues. I didn't even care about Kanye's closing performance.

To take away from the rock-and-roll past of the VMAs, MTV was sure to employ some of the biggest teen stars around. Remember Britney, Christina? Now its Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Drake Bell, and Josh Peck. OK, is this the VMAs or the Kids Choice Awards? Wherer were all the interesting, fun celebrities? Instead, we get Chace Crawford (you could've at least gotten Blake Lively damnit) and Lauren Conrad.

The VMAs were once the tastemakers in pop culture, but for another year in a row, MTV showed how out-of-touch they really are. They promised music? Except for Pink, it wasn't very impressive. Hell, the people performing in the corner with DJ AM should've been on the main stage (Katy Perry, The Ting Tings, LL Cool J). They promised mayhem? Um, Russell tried, but the crowd was either so dead or so pristine that they weren't buying it.

All in all, the VMAs was a flop. Its a million times better than the last two or so years, but that's nothing much. MTV should just admit defeat; they are no longer Music Television. They don't play music anymore, so why should they host a video award show? Plus, the show that had such a history of fun insanity was so Disney last night that you would think that Mickey Mouse produced it (Brand was an oversight).

It's quite ironic that the 25th anniversary of the show, devoid of all kinds of history except for Katy Perry performing "Like a Virgin" in the corner, signaled the eventual end of one of the most exciting programs on television.

As someone said on a forum before, if the Grammys are more interesting than the VMAs, its over.